Neutrality

My whole life I am either hot or cold, on or off, revved up or shut down.  I wake up ready to conquer the world or crawl deeper under the covers.  I have heard whispers of a concept called balance.  I have witnessed what appears to be even keeled.  Lately, I am experiencing neutral.  I keep taking my temperature and eating because I am not sure if I should feed this state of being or starve it and I always err on the side of food.


I got nothing.  This is not indifference or throwing in the towel - it is just something in between extremes.  I am fascinated.  The other day someone told me some dramatic story and they asked what I thought and I paused before responding.  Finally I shrugged my shoulders and said, I don't really have an opinion.  And I really didn't!  Usually I say that line when I absolutely have an opinion and I want to ram it down your throat - which falls under the category if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything - so I grit my teeth, swallow hard and deliver the line.  But lately, I honestly don't have an opinion on what other people are doing or not doing.  Amazing.


The funny thing is that the circumstances of my life continue to swirl around me.  Nothing has calmed down out there.  However, my reaction to the swirling seems to be different.  Yesterday I rested because I was tired.  What!?  The other day I made a phone call, said my peace and haven't thought of the topic since. What!?  I haven't blogged in a few days because I haven't had anything to say and after only one day of freaking out that I will never have another creative thought for the rest of my life - I allowed myself permission to not write for a few days.  What!?


Neutral is strange.  Balance somehow makes me feel unbalanced.  And yet, shrugging my shoulders and having no opinion is secretly delightful.  Maybe this is what those words serenity, courage and wisdom feel like in the prayer I have been saying for 18 years - God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.  Maybe.