Now What?

I did everything wrong when I was young.  Cue the violins.  I cussed too young, drank too young, smoked too young, had sex way too young. I didn't know to care about grades, I didn't care for my skin, my body, my integrity.  I stole from my friends, lied to my parents, I once lied to a priest - for heavens sake.  I did everything wrong when I was young - and when I say young I mean until I was 26 - which some would call - not young.

And then I woke up from that dark fog and did everything - not mood or mind altered - which made life vibrant and loud and super intense.  But life kept coming and I reacted like I was swatting balls in a batting cage - with the voice of God in one ear and the sirens of my past in the other and I made some questionable decisions around employment, relationships, finances.  I didn't know any of this mattered or counted or was being recorded for later scrutiny.  What is the statute of limitations on being young and naive and often times dumb and a little bit ridiculous?

And now what?  I am worried that my gray hair has an agenda, challenging the idea of who I am going to be when I grow up - fearing that I have already grown up and missed the entire episode.  I don't want to fast forward and I certainly do not want to rewind but I would like to pause - pause please - because now what seems to be the question of the moment.  Now what - because I never asked that of myself before.  I asked it of you or her or them - now what are you going to do for me?  I never paused long enough to plan ahead or think it through or dream past the next pay check - constantly reacting to life instead of living my life.  And now what?  

My children ask this question and I am in awe of them.  How do they know to ask?  Does this question skip a generation?  It hopped, skipped and jumped over mine.  So together we ask - now what - and the possibilities are stunning and impossible and a little bit exciting.  I can't redo or relive or do-over - and yes I would take back a lot of it if I could.  But today, I can ask - now what - breathe deeply and keep writing until more is revealed.  Because more is coming; different is coming; life keeps coming - and so, I trudge forward - one blog at a time.