I did everything wrong when I was young. Cue the violins. I cussed too young, drank too young, smoked too young, had sex way too young. I didn't know to care about grades, I didn't care for my skin, my body, my integrity. I stole from my friends, lied to my parents, I once lied to a priest - for heavens sake. I did everything wrong when I was young - and when I say young I mean until I was 26 - which some would call - not young.
And then I woke up from that dark fog and did everything - not mood or mind altered - which made life vibrant and loud and super intense. But life kept coming and I reacted like I was swatting balls in a batting cage - with the voice of God in one ear and the sirens of my past in the other and I made some questionable decisions around employment, relationships, finances. I didn't know any of this mattered or counted or was being recorded for later scrutiny. What is the statute of limitations on being young and naive and often times dumb and a little bit ridiculous?
And now what? I am worried that my gray hair has an agenda, challenging the idea of who I am going to be when I grow up - fearing that I have already grown up and missed the entire episode. I don't want to fast forward and I certainly do not want to rewind but I would like to pause - pause please - because now what seems to be the question of the moment. Now what - because I never asked that of myself before. I asked it of you or her or them - now what are you going to do for me? I never paused long enough to plan ahead or think it through or dream past the next pay check - constantly reacting to life instead of living my life. And now what?
My children ask this question and I am in awe of them. How do they know to ask? Does this question skip a generation? It hopped, skipped and jumped over mine. So together we ask - now what - and the possibilities are stunning and impossible and a little bit exciting. I can't redo or relive or do-over - and yes I would take back a lot of it if I could. But today, I can ask - now what - breathe deeply and keep writing until more is revealed. Because more is coming; different is coming; life keeps coming - and so, I trudge forward - one blog at a time.
Lori Ann Dinkins
One blog at a time, I write the truth about my life as it is, as I hope it will be, as I wish it would have been. Business insights and personal triumphs. Thank you for joining me.