When did that dreaded phrase - good enough - become the standard by which I live?  Recently I had an entire day trying to convince myself and anyone who was unfortunate enough to cross my path that good enough was - well - good enough.


The boys and I are planning to move this summer.  An exciting and daunting task.  The where, the what, the how much.  We have created a list of reasonable characteristics we want our new dwelling to have.  The other day we looked at a place that was perfect.  Well, close to perfect.  93% perfect.  But 93% is good enough, right?  The place is available now and we are not available to move until mid-June - but so what, I can figure it out.  The place has a really small 2nd bedroom - but so what, the boys clothes don't have to be in their room.  The place would eat up our summer vacation fund  - but so what, people can come visit us this year.


And then it hit me.  I heard myself talking, explaining, defending, justifying good enough.  This is a pattern in my life.  Square-peg-must-fit-in-round-hole.  I meet a man and suddenly, good enough becomes my mantra (I mean, nobody is perfect, right?).  I find a job and sadly my career goals are out the window (I mean, at least I have a job, right?).  I make decisions that resemble my desires but in fact - are not my desires at all.  I am constantly settling for close, almost, perfect-ish.


The boys and I went back to our written list and recommitted to our search criteria.  Once again, I am thankful for the team of people waiting in the wings pointing out the gaping in hole in the roof while I am distracted by granite countertops and bamboo flooring.

My whole life I am either hot or cold, on or off, revved up or shut down.  I wake up ready to conquer the world or crawl deeper under the covers.  I have heard whispers of a concept called balance.  I have witnessed what appears to be even keeled.  Lately, I am experiencing neutral.  I keep taking my temperature and eating because I am not sure if I should feed this state of being or starve it and I always err on the side of food.


I got nothing.  This is not indifference or throwing in the towel - it is just something in between extremes.  I am fascinated.  The other day someone told me some dramatic story and they asked what I thought and I paused before responding.  Finally I shrugged my shoulders and said, I don't really have an opinion.  And I really didn't!  Usually I say that line when I absolutely have an opinion and I want to ram it down your throat - which falls under the category if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything - so I grit my teeth, swallow hard and deliver the line.  But lately, I honestly don't have an opinion on what other people are doing or not doing.  Amazing.


The funny thing is that the circumstances of my life continue to swirl around me.  Nothing has calmed down out there.  However, my reaction to the swirling seems to be different.  Yesterday I rested because I was tired.  What!?  The other day I made a phone call, said my peace and haven't thought of the topic since. What!?  I haven't blogged in a few days because I haven't had anything to say and after only one day of freaking out that I will never have another creative thought for the rest of my life - I allowed myself permission to not write for a few days.  What!?


Neutral is strange.  Balance somehow makes me feel unbalanced.  And yet, shrugging my shoulders and having no opinion is secretly delightful.  Maybe this is what those words serenity, courage and wisdom feel like in the prayer I have been saying for 18 years - God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.  Maybe.