Tight Underwear

I do not step on a scale, except during my annual checkup - and even then, I close my eyes and put my fingers in my ears just in case the nurse mumbles to herself as she writes the number in my chart.  The number - that number has the power to dictate my mood, dominate my thoughts, control my actions - basically undo every positive affirmation I have ever whispered to myself while looking in the mirror.  The conversation around weight is old and boring and yet, still relevant.  

Regardless of my actual weight, I have a fat head.  When I'm thin, I see fat.  When I'm fat, I see more of the same.  From years of yo-yo dieting, I no longer have an accurate view of my own body.  But what is an accurate measure of my weight - is my underwear.   Now, for those people whose weight only fluctuates 5 pounds throughout the year - you will not understand my scientific weight monitoring system.  But for those of us whose weight fluctuates 10+ pounds each year - you may identify.  When my underwear gets tight, slips below my fat-flap, becoming an irrelevant undergarment - I know that I am at the high end of my acceptable weight range.  Some people use their jeans - but I find that my pants grow and shrink with my body.  My underwear is less forgiving.  

The funny thing is - nobody is ever publicly curious about my weight gain.  Hey Lori, what delicious food have you been eating this winter?  Whatever it is, I see you enjoyed it!  Instead we comment on and typically compliment weight loss - regardless of how it was achieved.  I am no longer interested in the nonsense surrounding losing weight.  Truly.   I realize my self worth has nothing to do with the number on that dumb scale (quick - say that three times and click your heels together to believe).  I eat healthy, except when I don't.  I exercise, except when I'm napping.  After all these years, I finally accept that I gain weight in the winter months and lose most of it in the summer months.  Just the other day, my underwear tugged a little more than usual.  Ding!  Spring must be right around the corner.